The Best And Worst Of Time
by little miss somebody
Summary: A PJo one-parter. An alternative ending to 'The Longest Day'


I find myself rooted to the spot, shell-shocked. I don't run after either Pacey or Dawson, unwilling to choose whom I go after first. I don't want to choose. I can't choose because I am perfectly aware that there is no right choice one. No matter what my choice is, I get hurt. And I hate that, and I hate that I'm going to be that girl, the one who comes between two best friends. So that's why I'm still here, standing on the lawn, wondering what course of action to take next. Being as weak as I am, I decide to delay the decision making and move toward Jen's house.  
We both lie on her bed in silence. It's not an uncomfortable silence, well OK maybe it is slightly uncomfortable but as far as I am concerned it is a welcome one. After the multitude of words that were said tonight, it is a relief just to lie down in silence.

"I'm sorry Joey," Jen whispers eventually. "I thought Dawson knew."

"It's not your fault. These things happen."

The silence lengthens. I'm desperate to confide in someone but I don't know how to begin. 

"Two years ago, who would have thought that we'd be friends." I blurt this out suddenly and Jen responds by giving me a weird look. Admittedly I am stalling but I do have a point to what I'm saying. I think.

"Two years ago, I thought I was in love with Dawson. Pacey and I were barely talking. Now look at us. I barely talk to Dawson. And Pacey and I .." I hesitate. I don't know how to define what Pacey and I. He's still the same Pacey I've always known, obnoxious, smart-ass and cocky. But he's also sweet, funny, caring and I miss him when he's not around. I get flashbacks of all the things he's done for me, how he was there for me when my mother died, how he drove me to see my father in jail, how he helped out with the B&B, how he bought me a wall. My mind wanders to less innocuous moments and I find myself blushing as I recall our encounters in the boathouse.

"I think I'm in love with Pacey" I sputter out suddenly. I expect Jen to be surprised but she just looks back knowingly. Seriously, I think Jen may be omniscient because I have no idea how she knew about this before I did.

"It's not like it was with Dawson. I know Pacey isn't perfect. And yet..." I'm finding it hard to express what I'm feeling but Jen seems to understand what I'm saying. Dawson was supposed to be my soul mate and yet we've never been able to talk like this, like I can talk with Jen or with Pacey, without many words. With Dawson, there were often too many.

"I'm not exactly a guru when it comes to love. But maybe that how you know it's real. When you know all the person's flaws and can love them in-spite of them."

I surprise us both, when I suddenly begin to sob. I hate crying. "It's such a mess, Jen" She puts her arm around me and strokes my hair until the sobs cease. I try to forget that the last time I cried on someone's shoulder was on my dock with Pacey after offering myself to Dawson.

"I don't know what to tell you. The situation sucks" We both laugh at this. "You cannot help whom you fall for. I can understand why Dawson is hurt but I don't agree with the way he reacted. Whatever happens though, I am sure Dawson will forgive you eventually. It's his relationship with Pacey I'm worried about." What she really means is that she's worried about Pacey. She won't say it though because she doesn't want to push me. She hugs me just before I leave. This is all new to me, having a friend who is a girl but although I would never admit it, it is quite nice.

As I approach the B&B, I see Pacey sitting on our dock, lost in his own thought. When he looks up at me , I can tell by the hurt expression on his face that he thinks I was with Dawson.

"I've just been talking to Jen." He may not have asked but I need him to know, I need to quell his fears.

"Yeah?" He pauses. He has something to tell me but he doesn't know how to say it. "I don't know why I'm here. After what happened, I just found myself walking and I ended up here. There's something about this dock." He smiles although the smile doesn't quite reach his eyes. I know he's trying to lighten the mood and I love him for it. "I didn't come here to pressure you to choose so you needn't worry. I just wanted to you to know, that I'm not making any ultimatums. I won't resent you for choosing him. I'll still be your friend or whatever you want us to be. And if you need space I'll give it to you."

He bows his head, not daring to look into my eyes, unwilling to make himself that vulnerable. My heart skips a beat and I just want to hug him. It makes me realise something. Pacey loves me enough to let me go if that what I want, he loves me enough not to make ultimatums. Pacey loves me more than Dawson. I know it may be presumptuous and conceited to assume he loves me when he hasn't actually said those three words but somehow I know. At least now I know. I, who had always criticised Dawson for being oblivious, has been oblivious to what Pacey had been trying to tell me and show me for a while. I can not change that, that was in the past, but I can control how I react. What matters now is that he understands how much I love him.

"I love you, Pace" His head shoots up immediately and he stares at me wide-eyed. I'm just surprised at my confession as he is. I was expecting to make a huge speech, Dawson style before I actually told him that I love him. His silence unnerves me and I start to panic, believing that I misread the signals, that he did not love me. He smiles and my heart begins to flutter. His eyes have turned this brilliant blue colour that I love and they twinkle.

"Love you too Potter." I sigh, relieved to have that out in the open. He wraps his arms around me, stroking my back gently and I revel in his touch.

"Stay with me tonight." He raises his eyebrows. "Just to sleep, you horndog." I laugh. I don't know what made me ask him, apart from the fact that I've missed him and I don't want to let him go. I take him by the hand and lead him to my room.

Suddenly, I lose my nerve. I know we are not going to have sex so I don't understand why I'm so nervous. I have shared a bed with a boy before, after all I have shared a bed with Dawson for years. This is different though because I have never shared a bed with someone I have been in love with, someone who has also admitted to loving me back. As much as I am afraid of it not being just like sleeping platonically next to someone, a larger part is afraid that it will be like that, and from my experience at Aunt, sleeping next to Pacey without touching him is tortuous. We are lying on opposite sides of the bed, and I hate the fact that I am trying to think of subtle ways to move closer.

He sighs eventually. "Come here, Potter" I smile and snuggle up close to him.

I must have fallen asleep quite quickly because the next thing I remember it is 6 am and Pacey is asleep next to me. Tracing imaginary circles on his chest, I savour this moment, memorising every part of him. I notice how his boxers are tented and it makes me smile to think that I have such an effect on him. I've always been afraid of my sexuality, afraid that I was too much of a prude to turn any guy on, and too much of a prude to ever really get turned on myself. Being with Pacey, I realise I am capable of both. Watching him sleep, I can understand why some people find the staying the night more intimate than the actual sex, not that I know what it's like to have sex. I think I love him the most like this, when he's completely vulnerable. He stirs, slowly opening his eyes. His hair is so tousled by sleep. He smiles as he sees me and we stares in each other's eyes, causing my skin to tingle. I have always loved his eyes, they are so expressive.

"Jo, if you want to seduce, you don't have to wait until I'm asleep to do it." There he opened his mouth. I punch him lightly on the shoulder, the moment ruined.

"You're such a pervert."

He takes my hand and kisses my knuckles gently. "But I'm your pervert."

I raise my eyebrow, tempted to make a sarcastic remark but I don't feel up to it. "It's already morning and as much as I love having you here, I'm not so sure if it's a good idea if Bessie catches you here in my bed." By the expression on his face, I can see he is tempted to make a perverted remark, but I manage to stop him with one of my famous Potter glares.

"Pace, I'm going to see Dawson." He's afraid, that I've changed my mind. He's afraid that Dawson will change my mind. "I want to be with you. Nothing Dawson says will change that. But he's been one of my best friend for years." I don't continue, trying instead to will him to understand.

At Dawson's house, I am already wishing the conversation is over so I can go back to Pacey. Dawson seems quite smug when he comes down to talk to me  
"Come to apologise?" I was willing to be calm and rational but now I am just angry by his attitude. I was hoping that he would have woken up with a different attitude. Obviously not.

"While I apologise for the way you found out, I cannot apologise for falling for Pacey. What right do you have to make me ultimatums. You reject me only to fool around with Eve. We barely talk for a year. Suddenly, I fall for someone else and you suddenly want me back?"

"Is this about Eve? You know she meant nothing. Even then, I knew we were meant to be with each other. I didn't realise that if I didn't sleep with you, you would go sleep with Pacey. I thought we both decided to save ourselves. I cannot believe Pacey managed to manipulate his way into your pants."

I thought I was angry with Dawson when he forced me to turn in my father. That was nothing to what I feel now. In his efforts to blacken Pacey's name, he ends up portraying me as weak minded little girl.

"Don't try to pretend that my relationship to Pacey is about sex. It isn't. I came here because I hoped to salvage our relationship. But I don't know if I want to, knowing how you feel about me, about Pacey. You're not the only ones who can make ultimate. You see I'm going to make you one. You accept me and Pacey or you lose both of us. "

I storm off unwilling to wait for a response. I feel scared and relieved at the same time. I know Jen will support us but I have no idea how Jack and Andie feel. As angry as I am with Dawson, I don't particularly want to say goodbye to years of friendship. He's no longer the centre of my universe and I certainly want to be the centre of his but that does not mean I want us to stop talking altogether. A couple of years ago, I felt like I only really had Dawson. Now I am aware of my wonderful family (at least what's left of it) and my great friends. And then there's Pacey. No matter what Dawson chooses I'm not alone and for the first time in a while, I feel completely free. So I here I am, standing on Dawson's lawn again. But this time, at least, I know exactly where I want to go


End file.
